Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
