I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
