So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
