Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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