I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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