I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
