if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
