I think I died a long time ago.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
