honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize