handjob tips. give me some.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
