i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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