remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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