Me too!
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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