sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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