WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
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We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
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the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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