Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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