That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
