There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
