A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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