Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
4 words: hood of his car
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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