I am midnight drunk by noon
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
