Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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