did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
