I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My balls are so social today.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
