i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
