I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
