I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
