just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You left your phone here
Wait...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
