also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Oh god it's open bar.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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