My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
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I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
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Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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