she woke up with a sticky ear
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
