you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My penis needs a shock collar
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
