i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
