A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
