A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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