Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
