When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
