smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
