One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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