Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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