I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
