david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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