My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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