We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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