Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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