The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize