then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
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The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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