her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
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I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
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I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
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