i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
