it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
