mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
