got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
