i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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