i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
