3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
