I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
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standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
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We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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