Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
