first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
