I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
