I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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