I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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