She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
