Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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