My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
